Slipped Away
by Another Lone Ranger
Summary: One-shot--It's a day both a beginning and an end, a day to be remembered forever, the day when the spunky ninja girl finally understands what it means to be an adult, and says the two magic words, "I do."


A/N: Yes, this is **Jesse the Wolf Demon**, just under a new alias in the hopes that those who were looking to dispel me would get thrown off my scent. Anyway, I needed a change and since it's been a running joke between me and a friend that I'm "Lone Ranger-esque" I am now under the name of **Another Lone Ranger**.

Okay, to the point. This is just a little one-shot I've been pondering for a while. Though I sell out my rock-roots by using an Avril Lavigne song, I just thought it fit the scheme very well. The one-shot is done in Misao's point of view, so you know. Anyway, enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything Rurouni Kenshin, just a bag of fish crackers and a can of Pepsi--the tools of a great writer!

* * *

Slipped Away

* * *

"I miss you, I miss you so bad,

I don't forget you, oh it's so sad,

I hope you can hear me,

I remember it clearly..."

* * *

I couldn't sleep a wink the night before. My body was tight and tense, as if waiting for battle. It would be a battle I would lose, of course, because things had been set in motion that could never be undone.

The most ironic thing was the fact that I set those events in motion. I had agreed, and though I was frightened by it, I couldn't find it in my heart to regret what I had done. There could be no room for regrets, not anymore.

One could almost say the situation itself was ironic, considering the fact that for my entire life I pledged myself to only one man. That man, of course, was Aoshi. The man to whom I owed my very life. In a child-like way, I entrusted everything that was me to him. Even as I got older, I was convinced that I could be his alone. That was just the way things were.

Now that I look back on it, I laugh a little to myself. I was naive, even as I tried so hard to convince everyone that I was an adult and capable of taking care of myself utterly. I was as hard-headed then as I am today, only now I am mature enough to know when it's appropriate.

I make no excuses. I was a child, though I would never have admitted as much at the time. It took me a long time to mature, an even longer time to come to terms with the fact that I was wrong. That's when I made the decision that brought me to this day. The day of my wedding.

* * *

"The day you slipped away,

Was the day I found it won't be the same..."

* * *

The hardest thing in the world is to let go of something in the past. Whether it be a mistake, or a memory, or a decision, or even a person. The past is what makes us the person we are today. Be it a good past, a bad past, or somewhere in between. We can run from it, but it will find us. We can hide it, but it will come out. We can try to move on, but things will always appear that remind us of it.

Closure is a kind of myth, told to us when we are young to give us comfort in the future and to try and shield us from the truth. Bad things happen. That cannot be avoided, that cannot be changed. We can become hurt or sick. We can lose money or homes. Wars can break out.

People we love are taken from us.

When this happens, when the people we love are taken, we try to find out the truth about why they are gone.

It took me a long time to understand this one point. It took me a long time to understand why _he_ did the things that he did, in the names of those that were gone.

I remember the pain of their loss to this day as if it were still fresh, even though it was almost four years ago.

We lose things that can never be replaced and never be forgotten. That's part of the reason why they are so special to us. For me, they were my saviors. Four of five men who saved me from probable death or worse and brought me into a place that I could call my home and to people I could call my family.

It is because of the memory of the kindness, because of the love, I have been given from these people, that I felt it was only right that I repay them in the only way I knew how. I would continue the family, continue the failing Oniwabanshuu, so that the next generation could experience a taste of what has been my life.

All the wars that have been fought, all the people that have died in the name of politics and leadership, in the name of Japan, all of these things we have lost can never be returned to us because of what has happened. I am sure without a doubt that it will happen again some day.

For that reason, I marry today. Not out of some idealistic dream of love or happiness, but because I can continue the tradition of my family into the new world that is coming. In some small way, I can protect my corner of this place from the pain that will come.

* * *

"I didn't get around to kiss you,

Goodbye on the hand,

I wish that I could see you again,

I know that I can't..."

* * *

As a child, I dreamed of being like a boy. I could lead wars and fight villains and save the day all before supper time. I wanted to be like Aoshi, my hero. To be feared and admired and respected and loved by those around me to the point that they would give their lives for me. I would have given my life for him, if the situation called for it.

As I got older, I felt the dreams dwindle, but the devotion increase. Even after I had been given to Jiya and he raised me better than I deserved, I still wanted nothing more than to be at the side of my rescuers, to prove to them that they had not wasted their time in saving me. To prove to Aoshi that I was worthy of being loved.

I still remember coming to the Aoiya for the first time, though I was very little. It was so huge to me, and smelled like tea, and it felt so warm. I loved it in an instant, though it took me a long time to trust calling it a home. Even longer after Aoshi and the others left.

I felt abandoned once they were gone. For the second time, the people I loved most in the world were gone from the life. I blamed Jiya and the Aoiya workers, that they drove my friends away. I blamed this place, for lulling me into a sense of home. Mostly, I blamed myself. Surely, there was something wrong with me if everyone I loved left me behind.

First there had been my parents, who were lost to me sometime during the war. I had been much to young to remember them clearly, only voices and feelings. I don't think I could truly miss them since I did not know them as I should have. Though sometimes I wonder what they would tell me, what they would advise me to do with my life.

Such wondering was not true with the others, though. I had formed a bond with each of them, loved each of them. I remember their faces in my dreams, and consult them in my mind. They are my conscience in all things. To this day, I look to them to guide me in whatever I do because each of them are still such a part of who I am.

Shikijo.

Beshimi.

Hyotokko.

Hannya.

How easily their names come to my tongue, to my mind, to my heart. It is for them, in their memory, that I marry on this day.

I know they would approve.

* * *

"I hope you can hear me,

Cause I remember it clearly,

The day you slipped away,

Was the day I found it won't be the same..."

* * *

Is it possible for a person to live without love?

I think so. But that person would become something hideous and twisted. I have seen several such individuals in my lifetime. I know in my heart that if it had not been for the Oniwabanshuu, I would have become just such a monster.

I often wonder to myself if my life was the result of chance, or circumstance, or if it had been preordained. If it was a result of fate.

It could have been just a coincidence that I was pulled out of the streets by those five men. That they could have felt sorry for me. It could have very well been one of the hundreds of other orphans in the cities of Japan, but they had just come upon me at that perfect moment. Like when a child stumbles upon a puppy in the street and his mother is just so tired from arguing that when he asks "can we keep it?", she just doesn't have the heart to say no. Such could have been the case with me.

Then again, maybe it was something stronger than chance that brought them to me. They could have found any other child, some might even have been needier than I was, but they chose me. The small girl with the blue-black hair and ocean eyes. The one who would never grow to be a great beauty or a legendary fighter. In fact, I might never grow to be anything more remarkable then a loving member of a family.

They saw something good in me, something I may never see in myself. They took the chance on me, and for them I will take this chance. I will marry, uncertainly and frighteningly. I will become an adult, at last, when I do this one act in the name of my family. Those who have given so much to me, much of which I have never deserved.

* * *

"I had my wake up,

Won't you wake up,

I keep asking why,

And I can't take it,

It wasn't fake,

It happened, you past by..."

* * *

Okon and Omasu, the other female members of the Oniwabanshuu, came to wake me up. The sun is rising higher in the sky and I should be getting ready. They found me awake, sitting on my futon, gazing into space as I think back on everything that has happened in my life than has led me to this one point.

"Don't worry Misao-chan," they laugh. "You're doing the right thing."

I hug them for no apparent reason. They laugh, return it, then leave while chiding me to get ready. As I watch them leave, I can't help but feel my fears return.

I pray that my husband will be good to me. I have been spoiled these past years since my childhood into expecting kindness from those I give my love to. Though it has not always been returned as I would have liked, the fact that I am still able to give it has to mean something.

It appears to everyone that I am usually so happy, so outwardly cheerful. Sometimes this puts people off. How can anyone be so cheerful? How can anyone be so unrelentingly upbeat and positive?

The truth is, all it has ever been is a mask. A way to have people underestimate my strength and the depth of my emotion. I never want people to be sad on my account. I never want people to worry after me. This may sound like another attempt at being considered an adult and trying to hide my weaknesses, but it's not.

It's just protection from another fear. My greatest fear. That I will be abandoned again.

There is still that small, black part of my heart that thinks I don't deserve happiness. That part of me quakes whenever someone shows me affection. It tells me to hide from it, to reject it. That way, when they leave me, it won't hurt. When you come to trust, to love, to depend on something, it hurts so much more when that thing is taken away.

I have been abandoned twice in my life. I know enough to know that Jiya and our part of the Oniwabanshuu never abandons their own. We are a family, a really family, even though there is no blood between us.

My husband-to-be is another matter. I fear happiness from him, because there is no guarantee that he won't one day leave me. That is why I marry only for the Oniwabanshuu. I don't want to marry for love, because of the fear that dwells in my heart.

I would never want him to see the blackest part of me.

* * *

"Now you're gone, now you're gone,

There you go, there you go,

Somewhere I can't bring you back,

Now you're gone, now you're gone,

There you go, there you go,

Somewhere you're not coming back..."

* * *

I dress slowly in the clothes I was presented for the wedding ceremony. I would much prefer to wear my regular attire, but that would be the act of a child. I'm a woman today, truly, and so I must act accordingly.

I suppose the title is somewhat of a weight upon my shoulders. Now that I marry, I will be subject to my husband's orders and his will. If he bids me to stop practicing with my kunai, then I must obey. If he bids me to stop wandering Kyoto unchecked, then I must obey. Such is the way of a woman.

I was spoiled in the love I was given. Jiya could never deny me anything, for which I love him all the more. The others have never shown me anything but kindness and indulgence.

Perhaps it was pity that drove them at first, to treat me so well and with such leniency. They knew my past from the beginning, knew of my parents and of where I was found. Maybe pity founded their affections, but they grew to love me genuinely over time.

In the beginning, my resentment of them tainted any love I might have felt. Still, through all the heartache and fear, I learned to trust them. Their loyalty to me, their protectiveness over me, made me trust them despite myself. Then it was a simple thing to love them.

When I told Jiya I would marry a man of his choosing, I don't think he believed me. I was only seventeen at the time, and still smarting from a lifetime of unrequited love. Back then, it was out of pain and a secret desire to create something like jealousy that I went to Jiya. But, over the years since then, I was persistent in my decision every time he asked me if a boy had yet caught my eye.

When he summoned me to him six months before, he sat me down and asked me once more if there was any man I so saw fit to bestow my affections on. No man, save one, had ever inspired love in me. And the love I had had for him had long become a kind of painful insecurity that I was, in some ways, unlovable. Jiya knew that I didn't want to find love, but he asked, for my sake. My answer was the same as it ever had been.

That was when he told me that he had found a husband for me.

My first reaction was fear. Jiya was truly going to marry me off to another man. Then it was a mild feeling of pain, that I would have to leave the only home I had ever known, leave my family for the sake of honor. My determination to do them proud, to continue our family, outweighed any fearful objection my heart could have made.

The truth of the matter was that I could never love my husband. As long as he understood that, and did not expect that of me, I would marry him freely. I would bare his children in the name of the Oniwabanshuu. I would see them raised by my family, see our traditions continued.

That is when I agreed to marry the man of Jiya's choosing.

* * *

"The day you slipped away,

Was the day I found it won't be the same,

The day you slipped away,

Was the day I found it won't be the same..."

* * *

I left my room and walked down the stairs of the Aoiya, savoring the feel of the wooden banister under my hand as I descended the stairs. Loving the scent of wood and tea as it lightly filled the air. Already missing the only place I had ever felt safe.

As I headed for the outside, I could hear people talking quietly. I heard no words, only voices. I closed my eyes and listened for a few moments. My last moments as Makimachi Misao. In a matter of minutes, I would be a man's wife.

Listening made me think back to the past few days, the days leading up to my wedding. I thought on the simple pleasure of working in the Aoiya, or practicing in the yard, or laughing at Jiya's tricks.

It made me remember the last time I spoke with Aoshi, only the day before. It was when I had finally grown the courage to ask him. I asked him why he and the others had taken me in when I was a child. They were soldiers who had no business adopting an orphan, let alone a girl.

I had been afraid of his answer for so long. Afraid he'd say that it had been all Hannya's doing, for I had long known he loved me best. I had been afraid that he would say he had simply given into the idea because he didn't want to argue, that he was to busy planning this or that and didn't want to be bothered with such a trivial matter as a girl's life.

He had looked at me a long moment before he answered, his blue eyes giving nothing away. As much as I feared his answer, looking at him, I knew that I could never go on with my life without knowing the answer. It was too much a part of me.

For a moment, I was afraid he wouldn't give me an answer. But then he told me something I did not expect at all.

"You looked like a ninja."

It goes without saying that I simple stared at him for a moment.

I had been only a child, how could I have looked like a ninja? Then again, I remembered that he had been no more than a boy when he had become a leader during the war. Someone had seen a ninja in him.

Was it possible that the same thing in him was somewhere within me?

I didn't think there was, but if he did, then maybe it was there. Maybe, buried deep in the girl that was me, there really was some kind of ninja. It was enough to make me smile. Enough to make me grateful to that man for yet another reason, for yet another thing.

Warmed by that memory, fueled by my love for the Oniwabanshuu, reinforced by my determination that this was the right thing for me, I left the safe haven of the Aoiya and headed toward my future.

Outside, people gathered around for the event of my marriage. To the side, where the service would be performed, Aoshi stood with Jiya. My husband-to-be and my beloved grandfather. They were waiting for me, waiting to start the future for all of us.

Perhaps there was a chance for happiness for me. Perhaps I'll see something in my husband that I saw before, when I was a child, and find it in my heart to love him again. Perhaps there is hope for me yet.

As I strode forward, ready for my new life, I said goodbye to the girl I used to be. Goodbye to that girl whom I had known for so long. She was the Misao who would try vainly to fix things beyond her control. The Misao who was never afraid to live but always so afraid to love. The Misao who hid her fear so well behind that smiling face.

I said goodbye to the naive girl I used to be and embraced the mature woman I knew that I had become. I was about to become a wife, the wife of a man I had spent a lifetime loving. I was marrying for the sake of the family to which I owed my very life. The future would begin with me.

I said goodbye forever to Makimachi Misao amd said hello to the woman I was meant to be.

* * *

"I miss you..."

* * *

A/N: I was going through one of those depressed phases--which was lifted when I went to Warped Tour yesterday (yay! ). This idea was kind of stuck in my head for a couple weeks now, while I was pondering a lot of things. I really hope that you enjoyed it. (Please Review, I am interested in your views!) Thanks for reading! --Another Lone Ranger


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